According to a recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine, losing weight is “basic physiology. Eat fewer calories than you expend.” This sounds like advice we’ve heard before, but this time it’s a little more black-and-white. To quote one of the organizers of the study: “People do have to choose heart-healthy foods. I think the beauty of the study is that they have a lot of flexibility in terms of the dietary approach.”

In other words, eat what you want that isn’t junk. Just don’t eat too much of it.

When Governor Paterson proposed the “obesity tax” on sugary soda several weeks ago, many thought it was a good idea. It was praised as a smart way to raise $400 million a year while deterring people from consuming something unhealthy.

Now a new idea of the Governor’s seems to go completely against this philosophy of promoting a healthy lifestyle. He wants to tax gym memberships!

To quote State Deputy Health & Human Services Secretary Joe Baker, “The tax on health club memberships is something we’re doing to raise revenue. There’s plenty of other ways… that folks can get out and exercise, particularly children.”

Spoken like someone who has no clue about what it takes to be fit.

At a gym in central London called Gymbox, members have the option of lifting a unique kind of weight: human weight. The unitard clad “dumbbells” pictured above are five of the six employees (not pictured: Well ‘Ard Woman at 85 kg) who perform the valuable function of being lifted while shouting words of encouragement at the lifter.

The “dumbbells” climb onto specially outfitted machines, allowing their weight to be used as resistance in a variety of ways. (And you thought members just wrapped their arms around these guys and picked them up. Come on, that would be SILLY!)

Does Vitaminwater reduce the risk of chronic disease, improve joint health, and build immunity? Those are pretty impressive claims for the beverage bottled by Coca Cola Co., and the Center for Science in the Public Interest isn’t buying any of it. In fact, they’re suing Coca Cola, claiming that the detrimental effects of the 33 grams of sugar found in each bottle far outweigh any of the questionable benefits from the added vitamins.

According to the head litigator, “Vitaminwater is Coke’s attempt to dress up soda in a physician’s white coat.”

As our economy circles the drain, growing numbers of Americans with plenty to cry about are now turning to this form of exercise as a way to boost their moods. Although forcing a bunch of “ha-has” and “ho-hos” intermingled with yogic breathing probably does a body some good, why not catch some stand-up comedy or watch a funny movie instead? At least that way you not only feel better but also preserve your sanity.

I AM GRATEFUL™, I AM HEALTHY™, I AM LOVED™ or I AM LUCKY™.

The thoughts inherent in those words permeate the liquid, influencing the taste and beneficial properties of the water. If you are drinking ‘I am Healthy’ for example, you will resonate with the energy to be healthy. ‘ I am Loved’ will encourage you to feel loved and ‘I am Lucky’ will encourage you to feel gratitude for your life and how you want to be lucky!

How about “I AM WASTING MY MONEY!”

A big thumbs-down to Whole Foods for carrying this bottled water.

But wait a minute… what is she using as a bun? OH GOD, NO!!!

Heart disease is funny and sexy!!

The menu includes the “Single,” “Double,” “Triple,” and “Quadruple Bypass Burgers,” the last of which proudly clocks in at 8000 calories. And what better to go with your burger than “Flatliner Fries,” which are “deep fried in pure lard!” Want a diet soda with that? Too bad. Only regular soda is served, so top of your meal with a Jolt Cola instead. For your convenience, unfiltered cigarettes can also be purchased directly off the menu.

For that extra special touch, a sexy “nurse” brings you your food and later carries your fat ass out to your car in a wheelchair.

To quote the owner (who incidentally dresses like a doctor despite not being one), “Don’t worry about what people are telling you. Live for the day.” Good advice if you want to be alive for just one more day.